Misconceptions

about hedgehogs

People in the UK have so many misconceptions about hedgehogs.

It was on a gardening podcast.

This guy said he has to work to make sure people don’t hate hedgehogs, so they don’t actively pursue the demise of many innocent hedgehogs.

I imagine the Brits mainly accomplish the elimination of hedgehogs by smashing or crushing. I’m thinking sturdy boot plus leg leverage figure prominently here.

And it pisses me off so much.

That Brits go around believing lies about hedgehogs.

I sometimes imagine meeting a British person, hearing they believe these filthy lies, and sticking pub darts in both their eyes.

For instance, the Brits believe that hedgehogs steal milk from cows. But that’s not true, cannot be true, because hedgehogs are lactose intolerant.

So milk gives them terrible diarrhea and they might die if they drink milk.

This lie doesn’t even seem plausible given the cow/hedgehog height disparity. I too can spend a pleasant hour picturing a hedgehog large enough to suckle at cow teat(s) from a standing-on-ground position. But when all’s said and done, I leave that in the realm of the imagination. I do not smuggle back with me (under my coat) into my waking life the fantasy of a behemoth hedgehog (border collie sized) past the customs agent of my attentive sense of reality (severe man with thin mustache and cheeks buffed to unnatural shine).

Also, many brits believe that if you feed hedgehogs fish-flavored food, they’ll develop a taste for fish and kill all of the goldfish in the idyllic British water feature in your British garden.

But that’s not true - hedgehogs don’t swim well and can’t catch goldfish.

And one time I fed a goldfish to a hedgehog and it got diarrhea and died.

It’s unclear what hedgehogs can eat without succumbing to diarrhea.

Everyone - including myself - continues to underestimate the hedgehog’s majestic ability to both contract and die from diarrhea.