Remember when Peter Dinklage Got Mad About Snow White

including a song

This is really old news, but I was thinking about it again while the new Snow White movie tanked. Peter Dinklage helped the process by complaining about the representation of dwarves. His ratio of negative impact per foot of height has to be one of the most lopsided in all of the land of Hollywood. His complaints held so much sway that Disney had to respond to them directly and promise that they were consulting with members of the dwarfism community.

He called it backward to even make a movie in which seven dwarves “live in a cave”. Perhaps Peter Dinklage viewed the original Snow White movie under adverse conditions and was not able to fully absorb its shadowy complexities. Maybe he could not get a full view of the screen. Maybe something about the height of the seat in front of him obstructed his understanding of the animated movie for children. Maybe he saw it when he was little.

The dwarves do not live in a cave. They are seven adult dwarf men who live together in a poorly-kept house. They work in a cave. They are miners. They mine precious jewels. Why would that be offensive?

Not all tall people play basketball. Even so, we all agree that basketball is a good profession for tall people.

I don’t think all dwarves should work in mines. But dwarves must have some advantages within the industry. We can easily imagine that their small stature makes them efficient. They require smaller tunnels. Smaller tunnels have to mean safer tunnels, less prone to collapse.

We need a crack squad down there finding precious jewels in the bowels of the earth. Rare gemstones serve an important function in our economy: adorning our elite, filling and spilling out of the various chests and cauldrons in the palace treasury, dazzling our enemies, and making our nation strong.

Also, what kind of office does Peter Dinklage hold in the great council of dwarves? Does he even hold an office that gives him the ability to speak on behalf of his proud brotherhood? If he did, his complaints could only become more effective. Maybe it’s just proximity to Pope Francis’ death, but I can’t help feeling a position like that would suit him. He could make pontific-oid pronouncements with real authority. I understand he’s just not in the running for normal-sized Pope, but perhaps he could be the Dwarf Pope.

Also - and I hope this is okay to say - if any kind of person might live in a cave, dwarves would excel at ducking under stalactites and dodging nimbly around stalagmites. Why would that be negative?

Thinking about all this caused me to write this song.